At Last

At Last
        I twist the silver band that wraps around my fourth finger several times, as I stare off the edge of the cliff. It’s beautiful here, actually, with a company of trees surrounding the precipice, and color everywhere. Far off in the distance, mountains rise and fall, surprisingly clear in the deep blue sky. For the first time since it happened, I feel alive again. And then I remember all of the things that I’ve tried so hard to forget, to push away into the darkest corner of my world. Most of all, I remember him.
        I remember when we were so young, and still so happy. We were best friends, and that was completely fine with us. We had grown up together, and what we had was sacred, in itself. But it didn’t last, like we had thought it would. Eventually, our friendship came to an end.
        The day that we parted, I hated you. And you me. We swore never to seek out each other again, to try to find each other in love, in regret. We had thought that regret would never come, that our separation would be something that we would celebrate, in the years to come.
        But it was not. It would never be.
        For a while, I thought that you would come back to me, that we could discover life together, just like we had done so many times before, in the past years. I thought that even though we were apart, we would have chances to come back together again.
        The chance, that I thought would one day bring us both together again, never came. It never had a chance to come.
        Because now, you’re gone from the world, forever.
        Never to be seen again.
        When I heard that you were gone, I didn’t believe it. I had thought that it was just a rumor, an untruth that people had fabricated about you, just to break my heart. It wasn’t like they could do it anyways. You were always the keeper of my heart, even when we parted, when we thought that we would never see each other, willingly, again.
        Those people that had said that you were gone were right. I would never see you alive, on earth, again. I forced myself to not believe them, hoping desperately that I would see you again, even if it was in anger. But when I found your grave, where you lay, in death, I knew that they were right, and that I would never see you, touch you, ever again.
        At that moment, all I felt was grief. Grief, and regret.
        Grief that you were gone, forever, and regret...regret that we had not treasured the time that we had had together, that we had not parted in hate, never to find each other in friendship, in love, again.
        I can still picture you, oh, so clearly. The dark brown hair, with the deep blue, almost indigo/violet eyes that always held a place for me in them, though they would always be cold to others that tried to win you over with false charm and other pretend niceties. To me, you were always my closest friend, the one that stayed by my side, when nobody else did. Cold you were to other, maybe, but you were never like that to me, throughout all the years of our friendship. Throughout all of the years, however few, that we had together, on this earth. And now, we’ll never have any more. Because of me. Because of you. Because of our own mistakes, that led us to where we both are now.
        After that, I wandered aimlessly, but everything seemed to lead back to you. Every sight, every place, all seemed to connect to you, somehow. Nothing was purely mine, and all of it was yours in some form or fashion.
        And I can’t live like that anymore - haunted by regret, by grief that you’re gone from me forever, and we’ll never have any more memories together. Maybe you would call me a coward for refusing to give life a chance, to try to live, even without you – but I know that I can’t live without you. I just can’t.
        Because everything leads back to you, reminding me of what we could have had, but never had. I won’t live like this, like a ghost in the world that you dominated, that you led and lived in. I just can’t live like this anymore.
        I remember when we left each other, and how we both were – young, impulsive, so ready to lift off and discover life on our own. I remember what it was like, when we were furious and acted rashly, choosing to part ways, rather than discover life at each other’s sides, together. But most of all, I remember what you said to me, when I was about to close the door, when I had made the decision to leave you, forever:
        You can’t hide from me – I know you better than even you know yourself. And as you turn to go, know that I always loved you more than anything or anyone else, even more than I loved myself.
            And of course, you were right, yet again. I didn’t realize it then – I slammed the door, and left, thinking that it was for the best. But I was wrong then, and I realize that now, when it is already too late. That silver ring on my finger, I’ve tried to get rid of, so many times. And yet I’ve never been able to do it, and I’ve never taken it off, since the day you gave it to me, so many years ago. Because it’s the thing that connects me to you, even though we’ve been parted for so long. Now yours lies with you, cold, in a grave, while mine still lies on my finger, connecting us yet, through the thin veil that lies between life and death. It will always be our bond, the one thing that remains constant for both of us.
        I’m sorry that I couldn’t be strong enough, for both of us. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person that you wanted me to be, the person that would have kept us together, at all cost. I have so many regrets, that I can’t ever tell you now, when you’re gone from the world, from this life, leaving me behind.
        Without hesitating, I take a step forward, then another, into nothingness. Right before the darkness engulfs me, I grip my hands around the silver ring that will finally bring me peace. And as I fall, one last thought crosses my mind.
        At last...